In my crazy brain, problem solving is similar to eating pizza. While I pride myself on my ability to eat an entire pizza, my chances of success are much higher if I take small bites instead of trying to swallow it whole. The biggest challenge is figuring out how to slice effectively. I feel the same way about personal problem solving - except that the slices, or smaller problems, are intangible.
As I read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, I promised myself to avoid making consequential decisions under 'duress' whenever possible. He explains that we can trust our gut >90% of the time, except when under duress. Although I had ideas about what to do professionally for a few weeks to a month, but I knew that there were too many factors to confidently make a decision. So, I reduced the 'number of balls in the air,' (as my dad says) by submitting the most ridiculous, albeit creative, MBA + MS engineering application, including my 33rd percentile GMAT score and age at center on my resume, as if I was proud of it. In other words, I have nothing to hide and own my shortcomings, or at least the ones I can see. I'm learning that it often doesn't matter how you slice. Rather, the worst decision is no decision at all.
Contrary to what you’d expect when compiling an entire joint degree application in 4 days, my friends and family observed, and made sure to let me know, that I was calmer than I had been in months. This ability to remain calm, while working on such an urgent and important personal task, demonstrated that my reactions to my professional situation was out of my control, not to mention justified. Details in post #102. The application was, of course, rejected immediately. So what? I had nothing to lose. I'm proud of the application that I submitted with 12 hours to spare. The next morning, I walked into work, and kept my promise to inform my team before actively pursuing my next role. To say that interviewing for new roles and continuing to do doing my best in my current role, with all its challenges, would be an understatement. Nonetheless, the fastest way out is through. After 2-3 weeks, I was fortunate enough to earn an incredible new opportunity. Even if I was too broken to find the will to celebrate that fact.
With the next phase of my career in motion, I'm forced to begin to reconcile the shambles of my personal life. I have to take apart my personal life, or what's left of it, in the same way that I have with any professional undertaking. It's the reason I created a "Program of Life" folder on my day off in April. The folder may be virtually empty, but we all start somewhere. I’m proud of myself for admitting that the answer to nearly every question is “I don’t know.” I allowed myself to become so overwhelmed by the people and demands at work that I couldn't find the energy to respond to texts, especially the ones that mattered most. As the months passed, it became easier and easier to rely on work as an 'excuse' than to make attempts to carve out time to force myself to execute. I know I can come off as a know-it-all, but I promise, I’m not. I’m just as lost, if not more, as the next person. I used to be embarrassed when I didn’t have it all figured out. Now, I'm a firm believer that pretending is overrated. It consumes 2x as much time and energy.
I'm here, alone in Seoul, South Korea, alone, starting to figure it out. Michelle, why on Earth would you take a solo trip? To a country where you don't speak the language? Because, if I’m afraid of something, I have to do it.
It's worth mentioning. that there’s a difference between fear and lack of wanting. Despite everything, I'm grateful to be alive. I don't want to jump off a cliff, so I don't have to. Perhaps a better example -- My fear of skiing. I was afraid to ski, so I went skiing. The activity itself turned out to be quite fun. Conquering my fear was much more fun. I was afraid to travel on my own. Three months ago, the idea of planning a trip and spending any amount of time in a foreign place, completely on my own, seemed far worse than skiing. It's probably why I went to Boston for a month instead of Australia, if I'm totally honest. So, instead of attempting to negotiate the offer for my next role, I asked for a week of vacation, and planned a trip to South Korea in ~72 hours. Asking the new team for time off counts as a step towards another fear. Anyway, as much as I wish I could do this trip with friends, I that I need to do this alone. As I sit at a cafe in Seoul, I know this is where I’m supposed to be. I didn’t need to look at a map of the world to know that this is where I wanted to go. Why South Korea? Well, have you heard my story about Japan?
I owe myself a genuine apology that I’m behind on processing. I made it much harder on myself than it needed to be. Lesson learned. Taking a few hours of this trip to process and re-learn to enjoy is worth it. As for what happened at work, I will talk about it eventually, but for now, it's in my best interest to move on. The first piece of this 'pizza puzzle' is how to reconcile with my own intensity. One of my favorite compliments that I received is when a new friend described me as “Intense, but fun.”
Unfortunately, I lost sight fun. The more pressure I allowed myself to take on, the greater my intensity became. In other words, it far surpassed its optimal threshold, and swallowed on the space for fun whole. I grew afraid that fun would detract from otherwise being able to accomplish my never-ending list of goals. Let me be clear: I never want to play victim. I'm accountable for my own actions and my own contributions. However, I can name at least 5 others that experienced a similar situation. They walked away much sooner. Since not enough people listened, the past repeated itself, yet again.
For a period of time, much of what I accomplished came out of personal time, or not at all. As a career-oriented person, this prevented me from being present in my relationships. I did my best to keep up, but my best wasn't much. I'm forgiving myself and investing the energy to re-building, and I hope you can too. If my inability to be present has affected you in any way, from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. I'll never be perfect, but I'd love to make it up to you, if you'll let me.
I've always loved what I do. I also used to appreciate balance, for the sake of what I do. Throughout my own mess, I continued to advocate balance for my friends and family. How did I get here? Balance requires stability and prioritization. Constant overwhelm due to an ever-changing, ever-growing list of priorities trapped me in the reactive state. Rather than be excited about the next item on the professional to-do list, my mind and body began to fear it. I feared that the list would change as soon as I made progress. It's microstress, so it's easy to miss. I was trying to catch my breath while running up the next flight of stairs. but damn it, I still set a record, and I still appreciate the learning. That being said, the record was communicated as an expectation, and rarely an accomplishment.
The only way I could find to push forward was to re-purpose the capacity ordinarily dreserved for fun, so that I could continue to accomplish. After all, my work was mostly completed outside of work. Non-profesionally speaking, some people bring out this intensity in me more than others. I'm as competitive as I am hungry to learn. To my own detriment, if I notice that someone can do something that I can’t, I pressure myself to be able to 'keep up' with someone else's standard at work, in the gym, etc. While this pattern pulls me out of slumps and toward great achievement, it's also a recipe for burnout.
When it comes to relationships, this intensity applies in a unique way. When I decide that I want something, I go after with every fiber of my being. Until recently, this meant channeling intensity towards an outcome, despite my intention not to, or creating spiderwebs. If spiders could talk, any living spider would say that spider-webs tend to kill things. Other than for shelter, that's why the spider weaves in the first place. Once I became aware of this phenomenon in myself, I recognized it in others too. As romantic relationships are the most delicate in early stages, that’s where I’m guilty of the most damage. These days, when I sense my intensity rising, I go through the exercise of “collect my spiderwebs.” As weird as it is, I close my eyes, and picture myself pulling in each trands of the web. Relationships of any kind won’t always be fun, but I promise to reserve space to have fun.
Moving forward, I’ll apply the anti-spiderweb principle to regulate my intensity levels at work. I must ensure that I set expectations for myself and others. And learn how to prioritize, including space for fun. I can't help the analogy: Our minds are computers. Each computer has a certain amount of CPU power. However, if we our brain-computer near 100%, we're too busy trying to keep up, leaving little room to innovate, or to adjust to factors outside of our control as they arise. Due to factors outside of my control, I deployed spiderwebs as an attempted mechanism to establish control. In my experience, trying to control anything other than your own behavior makes everything worse. After months of over-exerting control, I subconsciously applied the principle to feelings. Big L. You can’t brute force feelings. Especially not someone else’s. Instead, I’d rather maintain brain CPU utilization of 60%-70%, in order to create space to re-adjust based on factors outside of my control. And, stop fighting with myself to enjoy life.
Note: If you haven't read Brian Weiss’ Many Lives, Many Masters, I'd highly recommend. Thanks to a longstanding recommendation from my closest friend. It was instrumental in helping me slice the pizza.
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