I begin the annual reflection process the reading the prior year reflection. I’m proud of my past-self for commitment to growth, passion for the process, and her outcomes to show for it. Honestly, I’m more than proud of my past-self. I envy her mindset, knack for communication and lust for life, so much so that I struggled to contain my frustration the 2023 reflection, Life Plan, and other old posts. Each is ridden with typos and the occasional embarrassment, but these are problems I choose. In 2023, I wrote, “In the growth mindset spirit, I’m going to share a ‘wish list’ of things I’d want to accomplish in 2024, if time and energy weren’t limited. I’ll get to some of them, but not all of them. That’s okay – these are my concrete, ‘mid-level’ goals, as Angela Duckworth describes in Grit, [one of my favorite books].” The wish-list is pasted at the end of the post for convenience.
In my 1st, 2nd and 3rd reflection draft, I stubbornly maintained that 2024 was the worst year yet, because I’m not an L6, my posture declined, and I lost rhythm in the gym, for example. Each item on the wish-list was a rational, reasonable goal. It’s difficult for me not to declare in frustration that I accomplished nothing of value. After all, I’m nowhere near the L6 title, nor can I do the middle splits. Yet, I’m grateful that my past-self went out of her way to emphasize the concept of a wish-list, instead of a checklist. For six months, I beat myself up daily, at least, as I encountered extreme resistance with such a rational, feasible wish-list. In the realm of first-world problems only, I declared to my offline and online journals alike that I was living my worst nightmare. I also knew that my worst nightmare wasn’t that bad, even for first-world problems. Not only did my past self explicitly create a wish-list, but she reflected cautiously in 2021, 2022 and 2023, referencing the statistical unlikelihood that her progress would continue acceleration. Regardless of how she prepared herself, year after year of rationally fantastic feats, gratitude muscles atrophied with the lack gravitational force. In other words, I had a gut feeling that I was overdue for a good humbling. The highlight reel of failures from the Great Humbling of 2024, in rough chronological order:
I dropped the ball on planning the girls’ trip to Mexico, for work-related reasons such as, but not limited to: anxiety establishing and sticking to mental energy boundaries, skepticism that my friends genuinely want to travel with me, fear of asking for time-off despite reaching the cap based on prior experience, and fear of taking time off, even when approved.
After 6 months of searching, I got a dog. I did not fathom that the hours per day investment to care for a standard poodle were greater than my total non-work, non-gym hours. That said, I never failed to love and care for her during our six weeks together. I couldn’t help her overcome the fear of city life. Daffodil, proudly nicknamed the Lambdog, is a beloved member of the Buyer family in Chicago. My Dad claimed that he dreamed of having 2 standard poodles.
When I was powerless in obtaining necessary planning information from senior colleagues, I became so frustrated that I deadlifted 300 pounds on a whim. Compounded with failure to escalate and align expectations with my own team, I sacrificed my own health, personal and professional relationships to meet expectations and timelines. I failed and consistently lost control of my emotions in the process. I survived my first and last authentic all-nighter.
I failed to accept feedback that that I didn’t have the experience required to proactively synthesize extensive collaborative work, identify root-causes, and summarize solution options.
I used a month of hard-fought PTO to travel to Boston, where I failed at an explicitly stated goal to respect the importance of fun and relaxation.
I scored in the 33rd percentile on the GMAT. With this score, I applied to one grad program, and received a prompt, well-deserved rejection letter. Perhaps, I could’ve avoided this by listening to my intuition to travel to Australia or pursue another outcome. I was scared to travel alone and scared to ask friends if they were interested to join after dropping the ball on prior trips, including Mexico.
I trap-bar deadlifted 305 lbs, so it doesn’t count.
I failed to wait for the L6 title that I desperately wanted. My mind and body made it clear through weekday episodes of panic 2-4pm that I could no longer keep up with the emotional burden of the role. My efforts to break this pattern failed, exacerbating these episodes further. However, I do not regret my decision to be part of the team for 2.5 years, even when mentors, friends and family suggested otherwise. I appreciate opportunity for accelerated learning and responsibility. Furthermore, I appreciate the opportunity to teach myself to heal when all was said and done. I’m not L6 in title or experience, but in skill and perseverance.
I left Finance before the launch of two publicly available features, consequently failing to serve as the Finance lead in pricing efforts. I didn’t make it to Re:Invent. Attendance was the least feasible wish-list item from Day One.
I failed to listen to suggestions that I stop believing in myself and give up on either of my Unicorns. I’m also grateful for the constructive feedback and words of encouragement, no matter how hurt I am by others.
Refusing accepting victimhood or prove others right about my career decisions, I was determined to move forward. In this process, I read many books and wrote over 150 pages. However, failure to engage in revisions prevented progress, leading me to fall behind in my new role until I was willing to admit the extent of the damage and begin to rewrite the narrative.
I refused to be anything other than honest, especially in dating.
I didn’t fail to notice the toll that my intensity, along with the demands of the role, can have on my body without focused methods to counteract. I continue to rebuild my passion.
If I hadn’t learned my lesson on the importance of the editing process, I would’ve been content with the draft that ended here, with the summary that 1/ I’m grateful I was explicit about the concept of a wish-list, and that 2/ I appreciate that these failures taught me to trust in myself, and the power of a complete growth mindset. I would’ve allowed myself to rest, for a moment, championing the ability to accept failure, and create time and space for healing. If I had concluded 2024 at this point of “good enough,” I would have fulfilled my intent to appreciate growth, lessons learned to develop a path to continued improvement.
The trouble with good enough (80%) is that the most valuable insight often lies in the remaining 20%. In this case, had I concluded at good enough, I would’ve failed to recognize 1/ Outcomes that I did achieve, including from the 2023 wish-list, mentioned below. 2/ The biological mechanics of how I nearly allowed limiting beliefs to guide me. For 2023 and most of 2024, I didn’t consider the possibility of changing career paths, a full month of PTO, solo travel, or loosening my grip on the idea of grad school. I had programmed my thoughts, habits and routines to in pursuit of a “mid-level” goal of becoming an L6 in Finance such that it became second nature to do everything in my power to meet this goal until my mind and body gave out. It’s understandable that I was upset and continued to feel like a failure. My subconscious mind was still programmed towards the old goal. I reacted accordingly. With this negative emotion clouding my judgement, I was trapped. I couldn’t see beyond the cloud (pun intended). This prevented me from recalling that I establish mid-level goals to help guide me towards the broader goal, which is to push the boundaries of the human experience. That goal remains unchanged. When I concluded the good enough version, I was still in the cloud: The 2023 wish-list was so logical and so linear that I couldn’t reason that failure was not only acceptable, but the most liberating outcome. I hadn’t recognized 3/ The shift to a parallel reality. I was so angry with myself for allowing the situation to unfold, and for the “slow” recovery, that I didn’t allow myself to internalize the beauty, and the potential that I created in my new version of life. In my quest to heal, I think I found inner peace. Not only did I survive 2024, but in the 9th hour, I turned survival into a discovery of how to thrive. I’m still learning about good enough, but I know complete. I feel complete. With this perspective, even my worst nightmare has a happy ending. Seriously though 2024, you killed me. Lucky for you, I woke up in the next dimension.
The highlighted outcomes that I almost failed to recognize:
I picked up 65 books, approximately. According to my spreadsheet, I finished the 34 that I deemed worthwhile. I focused on developing knowledge in areas such as self-actualization, communication, the human brain, and spirituality.
Regardless of the rejection letter, I’m proud of the graduate school application that I wrote and submitted in 4 days. Moreover, I’m most proud of how calm I remained throughout the process.
I ran 13.1 miles on the beach in 80-degree heat in Turks and Caicos, deadlifted 300 pounds on multiple occasions, ran 2 miles in 16 minutes, and maintained the front splits.
In under 72 hours, I planned first trip, a solo trip to South Korea. I had an amazing time and connected with locals and travelers alike. I do not speak the language. I also traveled to Chile with family and re-discovered my love for the Spanish language.
I transitioned to Business Development, allowing me to combine existing skill sets with developing skill sets, set boundaries and learn new areas of the business. Compensation increases do not hurt.
6. I founded an LLC, developed business plans and began my first book.
I was officially single for 9 consecutive months. My initial goal was 6 months. I enjoyed the final 3 the most.
Although a constant conversation, I made strides to regulate my emotion, especially in times of high stress. The same goes for the fidgeting habits that I struggled to find motivation to break for 18 years.
I continued painting for fun. I hosted parties with new and old friends. I began to revive treasured relationships, and to build new ones…
10. I completed 80% of the items on the 2023 wish-list. That’s good enough.
To everyone who stuck around with me this year, thank you. Words can't describe what it means to me. In case I haven't apologized pesonally, I'm sorry that I didn't respond to your texts or that I dropped the ball on our plans and trips. It was never personal. To those who didn't, I don't blame you. You dodged a bullet. Catch me up in January?
----
The 2023 Wish-List:
I will correct my posture in a sustainable way, one step at a time.
I want to do the middle splits.
I will stop touching and fidgeting absentmindedly out of respect to my body and so that I don’t undermine myself.
I want to get promoted to L6.
I want to continue reading at the pace that I have for the last 2 months.
I want to learn more about Solutions Architect-ing to improve my relationships with business partners and impact on the business.
I want to go to Re:Invent.
I will restore, and improve my ‘focus’ muscle, as I can feel how it’s declined as I’ve picked up more responsibility without maintaining this discipline.
I want to learn to push myself in the gym as I’m improving muscle imbalances, not just when I’m working towards a PR.
I will be more understanding of others’ physical and mental state and how it impacts their perspectives.
I will understand how I can leverage my current responsibilities to have a positive impact on others and the world around me. I’m struggling with that at present.
I will develop a routine that leaves time for myself, friends and family while continuing to prioritize my career and my health.
I will learn how to fuel my body properly during the day to avoid the afternoon ‘hunger slump’ that I know all too well.
I will be more mindful of my financial future and make decisions to prioritize it more as I get closer to having a family.
I want to seek out feasible ways to give back to the community without over-extending myself in the process.
I will continue to put myself first when setting boundaries.
I want to clean my apartment before traveling.
I want to re-organize my closet, again.
I will be more mindful of how often I go out to eat, especially on my own.
I will continue to strive for 8K steps each day and increase my rate of success. I’ve been slipping recently.
I will make sure that I’m compliant with the return to office policy, even when I REALLY don’t feel like it.
I will continue writing in offline journals and using this blog as a space to reflect more broadly.
I want to develop a ‘signature’ makeup routine that celebrates my best features and doesn’t take 45 minutes.
I want to reduce my food waste by being more mindful of what I purchase and how much food I put on my plate.
I will learn more about the benefits of sleep and prioritize my own sleep better.
I want to learn more about ‘flow state’ and develop a routine to reach it.
I will evaluate if it makes sense for me to spend 6 months completely on my own – which means zero dates. Will be its own post.
I want to be more on-time when it counts.
I want to find a balance between spending time with friends, while still having enough time for work and the gym without compromising.
I will continue to internalize the positive attitude and growth mindset that I’ve spent the past two years cultivating.
I will leave more time for more introverted people to speak by learning to embrace awkward silences.
I want to increase the consistency of the ‘cold burst’ for the last 30 seconds of a shower, especially when I don’t want to.
I want to take better care of my belongings as a sign of gratitude and respect to myself.
I want will to work toward lowering my stress and anxiety. I have no idea how.
I will avoid using the word “can’t” as much as possible.
